my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
