I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
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we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.