You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
