taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.