It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this