I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hello my rib-scented angel!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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