So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
