I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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