3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drake has all the answers
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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