I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
