Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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