a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
