This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
