Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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