final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
