The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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