I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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