Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
