i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
