i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
