seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
