If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
