I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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