Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize