You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
