she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
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the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
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Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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