Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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