okay pat passed out under dana's car
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
