I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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