I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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