Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
