let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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