Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
