I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
