I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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