Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
