Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
