I can text with my tongue
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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