Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
