I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
