Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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