I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
