The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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