he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize