it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
