Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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