Someone shit on the floor
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
