I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
