I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
