Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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