She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
