We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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