Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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