he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
