I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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