I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
