when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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