Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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