he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What a dumb baby whore.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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