My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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