I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
