I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
